This one is a real challenge…I can find the stories, but arriving at the necessary shifts is a bit complicated!

From the dearth of comments this week, I gather that I’m not the only one who might be having trouble with this card.

I’m not even sure what stories I might be telling myself. Can anyone explain, or give me a few examples, or something to help me understand? I’d sure appreciate it.

One of the places we can look for actions we can take is in our turnarounds.

But we can also just put on our creative hat and ask ourselves, what would I need to do differently so that I didn’t feel the same way in this situation?

For instance, if we’ve been feeling overpowered by someone at work, which would be us feeling like a victim, what’s something that we could do that help us feel more empowered?

Could we ask that person something? Could we talk to a coworker to get a different perspective? Could we focus on other things at work that make us feel good?

Basically, we’re looking for how we can help ourselves out of the bad situation we think we’re in.

Example of mine:

Story I tell myself: I have been the victim to my sneakers. I don’t like the way they look. I don’t like that I get blisters when I run. I see them and I think they’re ugly. I got fitted for them at a runner’s store so it wasn’t about the look, and they were supposed to be the best ones for my feet. But I’ve been hating them.

So in order to be the hero of the story, I went to the runner store and told them what was happening with my shoes and the blisters…and they suggested I get some new SOCKS.

So I got some special socks 3 pairs for $27 and they have changed everything! I like wearing my shoes more now, I’m not getting more blisters (and they’re not getting worse) and for some weird reason, I’m not even as bothered by how the shoes look.

So I DID SOMETHING that helped change my position in the story. Instead of just complaining about how crappy my shoes were in appearance and for giving me blisters, etc.

I asked for help from people who know more about shoes and running than I did and that’s how I became the HERO of the story instead of the victim.

Does this help?

Yes, that was a good one Mona, congratas!
And that’s a great idea to try turnarounds…from where I am I just can’t find any good ideas to do to make a shift, but if I get the turnarounds, maybe…
thanks!

Do you want to talk out your story, Patricia, so we could help you brainstorm some actions you might be able to take to make a shift?

OK, I’ll try:
We want to sell our business and live happily ever after. However, upon finding that we won’t get as much as we thot for it, I felt is was my fualt for not being a better manager, or not etc etc. I’ve done the work on that, and don’t fee ‘responsible’ for our past anymore, but there is still the future out there. Do we sell, and figure out how to supplement our income for the rest of our lives, or do we take the bus. in new directions, make it more profitable, and then sell…and if so, how? These questions are hanging heavily and I see the story that I have to have an answer to it all, but how to make the shift so that I can recognize the answers as they appear… ??

Thanks, Patricia!

So in this story, are you feeling like a victim? Damsel in distress? A villain?

And whichever role you’re seeing yourself in…

Who are the other players?

In my example, the shoes were the enemy/villain. So I had to do something different to stop being the victim to them.

Don’t know if you’ve already done this, but maybe you could find someone who is an expert about helping people sell their businesses and you could get input from them just as I got input from the expert shoe and running people.

With your story “i have to have an answer to it all” what roles do you see are playing in that story? Who are you the victim to there?

“I have to know the answer” is an old story that you may have been acting as the victim in since childhood.
Maybe the villain in that scene would be a parent or teacher who wanted you to know what to do. SO you felt pressured to know answers all the time.

So what could you do to stop feeling pressured and victimized by this person who wants you to know all the answers?

If it were me in that situation (thinking back as a child) I could just admit that I don’t the answer and then see what happened afterward.

If we don’t know an answer, then there’s no use wracking our brains for it. It’s like looking in a cupboard for oatmeal when there’s not any there. No amount of looking for the oatmeal is going to make it appear. WE have to admit that it’s not there and stop looking for it. No sense beating ourselves up or the cupboard up because there’s no oatmeal.

So if we don’t have an answer to something in our mind/brains/ideas, then that’s what’s true. Let’s just let go of looking for it there. And then maybe we can go somewhere where some answers (oatmeal) are. The store…or to an expert or something like that.

What does this bring up for you?

Wow. I grew up with the job of people-pleasing, and making-everything-alright. And yes, that did seem to translate to having to know all the answers when my kids were younger. And I thot I had worked thru all of that…hmmm. Didn’t realize this could be related to that….since in bus. I have always ‘figured it out’ or come up w/ ideas when the need arose. We have definitely been in touch w/ bus. sales experts, etc., and decided to slow down on that path, but then the question became ‘what now?’ And, ‘I have to know the answer’ was my reaction. No oatmeal, so I have to conjure it? hmmm…that does seem like what I’ve been trying to do. And I’m afraid that if I leave it alone, don’t figure it out, that something dire will happen.

Hi Patricia… When I read your story what I saw was the story that “happily ever after” needed to look like “X”. And if it didn’t you were (In Mona’s words) the villian – of reuining the ending of the story… For you to have been the “hero” of the story you would have had to deliver “X”. right?

Maybe you could try to get really clear on what makes up “happily ever after” and see how keeping the business (if that is what you are doing in the immediate future) is really a part of that? This takes you out of being the villian – or the hero – and puts you right in the middle of being YOU, in the present, enjoying your life!

Maybe you could identify what parts of “happily ever after” you can start experiencing NOW, even if you don’t sell the business right away. The key here is to not just identify what you could experience now, but to actually go ahead and EXPERIENCE IT! That would be the “action” part of this that would enable you to be a hero too, in the present!

I also noticed that you were maybe attached to something being different “in the future” and because of that weren’t living as fully as you might enjoy in the present (especially thinking that you need to have all the answers right now). Perhaps you could bring last week’s card (What’s Right) into this situation and see how things RIGHT NOW are “happily right now”?

Just a few thoughts…

Christi – Thank you so much! I see a lot of truth in your words and a different perspective that I had nudged but not been able to embrace. It’s true that each moment is part of ‘ever after’ and there are lots of things that are right about not having sold yet. I do love our unique situation on the Maine coast and our part in serving the community. And I have actually found more time for myself this past winter/spring since the economy has created a slow time for us. My sister has moved from the West coast to live in an apt. we created for her. Thru all of this I’m learning more about management than I have in the past 20 years! Guess I’ll try to just be ME, experiencing it all. I’m so glad it’s spring!!
Congrats to YOU for such a brave and honest move.